September 2012
1 post
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The Application
Dear Mrs Rachel Vandenberg,
I am writing to apply for the position of “Uncle”, as advertised in the last family newsletter, “RE: OMG Jono and I are having a baby!!!”. I am enclosing a completed application form, resume, and those photos mum took when we were five of me shoving your face into a mound of dirt “for a joke”, just in case you’ve forgotten who I...
June 2012
1 post
2 tags
Hankies my dear, I do give a damn
As far as guys go, I like to think I’m a fairly average specimen. I don’t have tats, I don’t have piercings, and I certainly don’t have tats of piercings. I drive a sensible car to a sensible job and do sensible things, tempering this near complete lack of edge by listening to discordant guitar music, and swearing at times when you’d fuck least expect it.
So basically everything I do, say, or...
March 2012
1 post
2 tags
The Break Up
One of the hardest times of my life was the day my metabolism broke up with me. We’d been together for about thirty years, and I gotta say, it was a magical relationship. I loved that metabolism with all my stomach, and it loved me. Together we had purpose. We had direction. I wanted to eat whatever I wanted to eat, and my metabolism wanted to metabolise whatever things were around that...
September 2011
1 post
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August 2011
1 post
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A dangerously unhinged lesson in office etiquette
By now you may be aware of the offensively Draconian nanny state mandate handed down this week to the fine employees of BHP Billiton.
The memo entitled, Mine Kampf: BHP’s Office Environment Standard And Glorious Five Year Plan, outlines a thousand and one workplace bugbears that the BHP politburo have declared no longer negotiable, punishable presumably, by pain of performance review.
It’s a...
July 2011
1 post
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May 2011
1 post
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ICB: Coghlan’s full of it saying Tory’s full of it...
Welcome to the first ever I Call Bullshit on I Call Bullshit, inspired by Shane Coghlan’s critique inspired by Tory Shepherd’s critique of the soundtrack to the music of the book of the film of the TV adaptation of Chris Lilley’s Angry Boys.
The piece was undoubtedly conspired in Shane Coglhan’s irony tower where there is a complete ban on any form of criticism of something so highly anticipated...
April 2011
6 posts
2 tags
An open letter to gay people (and Barry Cohen)
Hi, gay people! How’s it going? Don’t tell me… just super, right? That’s what you people say isn’t it? Not that I would know, not being gay and all. I’m sorry if that sounded like an odd thing to say. I don’t normally declare my sexual persuasion so abruptly. But I’ve heard you like to convert normal people with your gay agendas and your corrupting lifestyle choices, and since I’m being so open...
3 tags
WatchJosh Dugan
March 2011
5 posts
2 tags
There’s no way Barry can lose this election. Or is...
Tomorrow Barry O’Farrell assumes the mantle of the Premier of NSW. That’s not a prediction from a well-informed insider, by the way. It’s a stone-cold fact, hewn from the knowledge that there hasn’t been a conclusion this foregone since Ricky Martin turned out to be a little light in the loafers.
Which leads us to the question - what could Fatty possibly do to balls up this one horse race? With...
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WatchGold Coast Titans - Portrait opener
Alpha Magazine
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WatchTitans opener - Landscape
Alpha Magazine
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WatchJack Riewoldt - Alpha iPad
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Old Pete
Old Pete, you’re really old And today you, are even older Remember, you don’t have Alzheimer’s yet But one day you might, begin to forget
Old Pete, used to be young And yesterday he, was even younger He also, used to have lustrous hair But now right up there, it’s getting scarcer
And anytime he wants a kip, Old Pete, he slips Into a deep sleep apon the sofa And even...
February 2011
7 posts
2 tags
3 tags
WatchA showcase of Alpha’s made for the medium iPad initiatives, of which I played a small part. Actually I did everything. No one else helped, and every idea I had worked and was awesome. True story.
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WatchJamal Idris. Literally hanging out with the Alpha digital magazine.
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WatchJamal Idris iPad opener.
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January 2011
1 post
1 tag
December 2010
2 posts
2 tags
We can handle the truth Jules, we just don’t want...
Julian Assange must be stopped. Not because he’s a traitor or an anarchist, a whistleblower or a terrorist – but because he’s a frigging killjoy. And he’s slowly ruining all our fun.
The world used to be a magical place, full of wonder and mystery. Ancient peoples still cut off from the modern world. Whole continents yet undiscovered. Nobody knowing who really shot JR. There was so much we...
2 tags
November 2010
2 posts
2 tags
1 tag
An open letter to gay people, from a not gay...
Hi gay people, how’s it going? Don’t tell me… just super, right? That’s what you people say isn’t it? Not that I would know, not being gay and all.
I’m sorry if that sounded like an odd thing to say. I don’t normally declare my sexual persuasion so abruptly. But I’ve heard you like to convert normal people with your gay agendas and your corrupting lifestyle choices, and...
October 2010
3 posts
2 tags
2 tags
The Punch writer with an extra chromosome
Embarrassment courtesy of mumbrella
Today’s entertaining article of the day comes from The Punch, where Chris Deal ruminates on the difficulties of being the sort of man the men’s magazines write for, revealing:
“After only a few page turns I realised that while I am in possession of a penis and an extra chromosome, this magazine was well and truly not talking to me.”
And today’s reader...
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Why I'm not a man
The other day I was reading a popular men’s magazine. I won’t mention the name, all I’ll say is it was for men, and about their style. The style of men really, or more precisely, men’s style. All I’m saying is it wasn’t GQ.
After only a few page turns I realised that while I am in possession of a penis and an extra opposing chromosomes, this magazine was well and truly not talking to me. Which...
September 2010
3 posts
3 tags
2 tags
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WatchWhitehouse - colour lecture
August 2010
4 posts
3 tags
WatchWhitehouse - Grid lecture
3 tags
WatchWhitehouse - Typography lecture
3 tags
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WatchWhitehouse - Design Principles lecture
July 2010
9 posts
2 tags
3 tags
3 tags
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4 tags
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1 tag
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June 2010
13 posts
2 tags
I hate bad writers with a fiery passion in my...
They come from far, they come from wide. They come with a fire in their bellies and a penchant for the written word that not even a million monkeys on a million typewriters could even dream of topping no matter how many sonnets they secured or peanuts they procured with their feverish and dexterous opposable thumbs. They are, of course, and without a shadow of a flickering doubt - bad writers.
...
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I hate bad writers with a fiery passion in my... →
I don’t want to gild the lily or nuthin’, but this might be the best thing I ever write.
What the critics are saying:
Charlie Barnard “what a crap article. It is nothing more than a bunch of tired clichés loosely strung together in a boring rant. I’m not sure whether Chris, the ‘journo’, is trying to be ironically funny or not with his misuse of...
